My Mental Health

It's okay to not be okay some days....

Hey readers and followers, sorry I've been M.I.A again of late, its seems to be a recurring problems of late but I wanted to have another sit down time and explain whats been going.

So I don't know if i've made it ever aware on my blog but I suffer with bad anxiety and mood swings because of the anxiety. For as long as I can remember I have always been different compared to everyone else, I've always acted / behaved differently or been interested in things that not everyones liked or i've been made fun of / bullied / teased because of it and a lot of the times I've let it get to me and I've bottled it up inside of me.

When I was younger and even now in my adult life I've struggled to make friends because I've always been worried that I won't be liked or i'll do something that will offend some etc.

I remember back in school I always struggled to fit in, I was constantly being teased for being a red head or being slightly over weight. I wasn't good at sports and I wasn't the smartest in my class and I didn't have a huge circle of friends. I always felt left out or that I was the one who had the problem, like I was born wrong or something like that.

I used to find it hard and still do to this day to open up to people and let them in as I worry that I will be judged or made fun of like being back in school again. I recognise that a lot of the things I'm into are not everyones cup of tea or that people question why I like or do the things I do.

For years people have made assumption about me and how I am the way I am. One of the biggest assumptions I have had to deal with my whole life is my sexual orientation. I've had so many people say to my face and even comments behind my back of because of how I am and again the things I like, people just assume I'm gay or that I'm confused etc. I find sexual orientation a part of someones life, not all of it and I find that it's no ones business but your own. I personally don't believe in labels, I thoroughly believe that it shouldn't mater who we are attracted to, whether it be men or women. It's the person I'm attracted to, not if they are male or female. 

I deal with stress a lot these days in my adult life, whether it be work, family, friends, relationships and money worries. I have a tendency to let things build and build until it bursts out. Sometimes it can get so bad that I just completely tune out from the world or I come across as rude, blunt or non caring which I don't want for or anyone else.

As I've mentioned before in older posts, I like going to the gym, sometimes the best way to kick out the anxiety is a really good workout. But sadly of late i've just not had the heart, desire and motivation to go. A couple of weeks a go I got really ill from a throat infection and chest infection.  Because I was ill and recuperating I took time off the gym as I didn't want to make myself any more worse than I already was. Good news is I'm feeling much better, bad news is that even though I'm well enough to go back to the gym, I haven't been going and its almost been a month. 

What hasn't been helping is I always see myself in a really bad way and that I think I'm never going to be able to transform my body into the way I want it or how I want to look like other people I admire or feel jealous of. A lot of the time its because I'm a blogger and I'm always online or on instagram following all these really ripped guys and majority of them are a lot younger than me, I just feel like nothing compared to them. I know that its a lifestyle change and it takes years of commitment and sustainablity to see thing improve and change but I've always got that doubt, worry and anxiety in the back of my mind.

Again my anxiety flares up when I get thinking about my future. I get upset at times when I think about how I'm 27 years old, still single, still living with mum and dad and not making lots of money or keeping to savings. I worry that I'm just letting my life pass by whilst everyone else is moving on and moving up while I feel like I'm standing in limbo.

Like I said, I've been feeling like this my whole life and I know deep down that it'll never go away completely, all I can do is keep positive, keep focused and try not to let the bad or worry in, its quite cliche like but we all have one life at the end of the day, we shouldn't be held back by our fears and what we desire and what drives us. 

Thank for reading folks, I hope this has given you a bit more of a personal window into my life and can understand why I disappear from time to time.